Jan 13 03 - Closet Case - I was sorting through some stuff in my closet and found some interesting stuff. Namely a poem. It's a poem I was given to read in English 12 and it's titled "why study the arts and humanities". It got me thinking a lot. Mostly about extending myself. Being autodidactic. Going off and facing the world and learning from it. I've done a lot of it, but I, like many, found my syself falling idle. it's easier that way. However there's so much out there that isn't going to just come to us. I'm not going to learn about, well, anything, by watching the simpsons or never extending what I read. I think I came across this piece at just the right time. It reminded me that I have to work hard to become better. It reminded me that there's beauty in the world and passions I have inside myself. perfect timing. I'll have to send the piece to Darcy too.

Jan 12 03 - Finding a Sense of Self - So i've temporarily resigned from my position as counseller to all who know me. I was talking to Darcy and he helped me realize a few things about myself that I really didn't see before. The main thing being that I don't allow people to help me. I always wondered why people said my life was dramatic and sometimes beyond helping. I guess it's because I would have excuses set up in my head for why the things people advised me to do wouldn't work. I could distract myself for a whole day working through issues for other people. The prime example I can think of right now, would be the two hours I spent talking to Phil about his new years resolutions. Then once I'm left alone, without anyone to talk to, I start feeling a little sad. It's because I haven't truly faced everything I have going on internally. Haven't properly listened to the voice in my head. I'm in dire need of some renovations. I think I have to do a lot of thinking and reading and writing to work through this. It's sort of awkward to not help people. I mean, right after I decided this, Jonathan was there and telling me "I had a bad day.". Instinctually I wanted to ask him how it was bad and what happened and how do you think these things can change.... and then I stopped myself. I realized that I can't be starting off my first day of self development by falling into the pattern that I'm trying to avoid. So I tactfully sidestepped the issue and moved on. It's not that I don't want to help people. It's more that I need to help myself first. Once I feel like more whole as a person, then I can step back in to a bigger world. I'm glad Darcy was there for this. He has a lot of wise words to share with me about all of this. I think mostly because he does the same things I do. It's something that we can work through together, but seperatley.

Jan 06 03 - The past meets the future - I got together with Stephanie for the first time in ages today. She brought allong Lucas' cousin, because she just moved here and is kind of lonely. I'm not sure that I helped much. Stephanie and Megan spent a lot of time complaining about Lucas' mum. Then Steph and I spent a bunch of time reminiscing. That was actually a lot of fun for me and her. To be able to talk with someone about what things were like when you were fifteen and to have that person know exactly what you were talking about because they were there with you experiencing the same people. We talked about Caitlin and Christine and Melissa. How ridiculously different we all are now. it's sort of wierd to watch people change over time. We still have overtones of the people we were then, but none of us are the same. We both sort of had some sort of desire to be back in those times, but when I think about it now, I'm not so sure. They were good times, but they were also some of the more dramatic. People were depressed or angry alot of the time. We were all pitted against each other by someone else in our gothy kid clique. It wasn't that much fun. When I think about where I'm at now, I'm so much happier. It shows in so many small ways too. In how I'm willing to take care of myself. in what I think about when I'm laying in bed. I find that when I lay down to go to sleep, I think about the funny and happy things that have gone on recently. i think about how peter, susan and tara were all hitting on me and I was totally oblivious. I think about afternoons on Kits beach. I don't have this permeating feeling of sadness in my life the way I used to. I'm glad for that. I don't believe anyone really wants to be sad.

Jan 05 04 - Yoga. Yummy Yoga. - That's what I did today. Dana and I finally got around to doing it and it was ever so satisfying. We relaxed with a mug of tea first and went through a rather strenuous routine. I was actually surprised at how much work it actually is. When I've watched people do yoga before, i've never thought of it as particularly trying. However once you're in there and you're doing it, and holding a pose for a minute and a half, being aware of your body and what it's feeling and controlling your breathing. It gets pretty intense. It made me feel good though. I was actually conciously thinking about muscles that I didn't even know about before. i'm a touch sore in the back now, but I feel much better. It's actually rather difficult to control your breathing as you attempt to hold rather ackward positions. We even rounded the evening out with Indian food for dinner. I don't think there's any other way we could have done it.

Jan 03 04 - Old Friends and cups of tea - Dana and I went for coffee today. We had the intention of doing some yoga, but it never materialized. It seems she, like Elgin, just needed to escape her house and talk to someone. We sat for two hours and talked in quality foods drinking chai tea. I find there's something about chai that's reassuring. Perhaps it's because I tend to stick to herbals because I don't like the caffiene. However this was nice, because the falvours were bolder. It was exactly what I needed right then.

Travel is on my mind in a big way right now. We spent some time looking at Danas photos from her trip to Japan and Ireland. It was so interesting to see the castles surrounded by the green hills of ireland. To see the temples of Japan surrounded by the formal and rigid gardens. It made me remember the excitement of arriving somewhere new. The intensity of my desire to go somewhere is doubled by the fact that Melissa is in Scotland right now. To know that the people I care about the most are spreading around the globe. To see myself here. I guess what really pulls me through is to know that I've been there. I've been across an ocean. I know that there's life beyond these mountains. being back here isn't as hard as it once was. When I was 15 and never really lived anywhere else and didn't know anyone who I hadn't gone to school with. I know that I can go to Beijing for a third time, if I really want to. When I went the first time I wanted to return so badly. I didn't think I'd ever really get to do it though. Then three years later, there I was. Getting off a plane in the same airport. hmm.

Jan 01 04 - A Day like any other - Everyone keeps on asking what my new years resolutions are. It's totally bizarre. Well, not that bizarre really, but their reacton to what I have to say is. I have explained at least ten times now that I don't believe in New Years resolutions. That january 1st is no less unique than march 14th. i can't make a decision today that I couldn't have made yesterday. or a week from now. Even so, I spent two hours with Phil working through his resolutions and developing strategies for him to be able to stick to them. Except we hit a bit of a snag when it came to him giving blood. The Red Cross has a policy of not allowing men who have sex with men to donate. He was thoroughly appaled by such a riciculous policy, as many people should be. However, we don't have a lot control over the situation.

Thinking about the amount of time I spent working with him on that, I might want to look in to going in to counselling as a profession. I do enough of it for free anyway. I'm told I have the skills to do it. I guess it's a matter of getting the proper qualifications.

Dec 31 03 - rediscovery - The last nite of 2003. it was quite a quiet one for me. I stayed in with my nephews. early on in the evening we had a family dinner together. Then we went out for a snow ball fight. lord. I think I'm going to be feeling it tomorrow. We watched the matrix reloaded, which was alright. It has a lot of layers to it that some people may not see. It sort of comes off as an action movie, but has a lot of depth to it as well. At midnite we watched the fireworks at the space needle, just the same as we did every new years when I was a kid. Graham has me quite hung up on what it's like to be a kid. We had this long conversation about how he doesn't like Christmas anymore because it's not the same as when you're a kid. So I've been doing a lot of thinking on it too. I dunno. It's hard to regain a child like view of the world. It's probably time for me to read Le Petit Prince again. A kids book, but a very wise one.

I'm sort of indifferent about leaving 2003 behind. It wasn't the most thrilling year I had. It was the year in which I spent the most time out of the valley. I started off the year in beijing and was there through march. Spent three months living in Vancouver. I had fun, yes. It makes me wonder where 2004 is going to take me. i can only hope to better places

Dec 28 03 - A Day for Rest - I had an idle day today. It was sort of a day of rest in among the holidays. Elgin and I went down to Steamers for tea and sat and chatted for a long while. She actually had a lot to say, probably mostly because it was her first day off of her program in Qualicum and had told no one about her experiences in it yet. It sounds like she's surrounded by a bunch of Gits, really. Lovely simple people who use the words "like" and "whatever" between every second word. I don't know what I'd do without Elgin around. She's so lighthearted about things, but slightly bitter at the same time. It makes for witty conversation. Which is something I lack a lot of the time. I should probably hang out with her more often.

Dec 27 03 - I eventually became my grandaunt - I took Isiah and Cedric to the movie today. i do this quite a bit. I always kind of wonder about the memories they'll have of this when they're older. I know I have really affectionate memories of my auntie Gerry who would always take my brothers and I to the movies. Ekk. The movie we went to see, well, they liked it, but it was one of those manglings of a book. The Cat in the hat. It had it's wittier moments, but it seemed like such a departure from the things Theodore Giesel stood for. He never really wanted to commercialize his characters. Now his breakthrough book is turned in to a schlocky way of marketing Universal Theme parks and swiffer. I'm sure he's spinning in his grave over it.

Dec 26 03 - Poetry falling from the sky -

Crystaline shards of heaven
fall gently from the sky,
wrapping the earth
in a glittering blanket of stardust.

AKA it's snowing. a day too late. bah. Maybe we were a bad island, I don't know. I love snow. It has such an amazing way of equalizing things. A rusted chevy looks the same as an immaculatley kept mercedes. A perfect lawn is indistinguishable from one with leaves strewn about it from autumn.

Isiah and Cedric couldn't wait to go out and get in to it. To pick it up and throw it around. Aaron brought them out and made a snowman with them. Arms and buttons and everything. It reminded me of how poeple made snowmen in Beijing. Piles of snow left over after shovelling a driveway would have a carrot and some coal stuck in to the top. I'm glad to be home for this.

Dec 25 03 - A Day of the Celebration of Blatant Consumerism - So I'm writing this on a new computer. It was the family gift this year. Loads of fun. internet too! It's been ages since I felt we had a half decent computer in the house. For the first time ever I was up before aaron on christmas morning. He usually prides himself on being the first one up. It was good though becuase I got the chance to wrap his gifts before he woke up. Though I cut it awfully close. I was wrapping his second gift as he was using the bathroom. It was a nice quiet morning. Totally a change from last year. Even for them. Mum and Aaron spent Christmas morning together and thought it was far too quiet. I spent it having my gifts stolen in a foreign country. We did our standard rounds. Going over to family and saying hello and dropping off gifts. It's so nice to se everyone beaming about the holidays. We spent a lot of time at Jamies. I was really surprised because she actually got me something. Aaron didn't even get me anything. Though I'm always satisfied with the things I get for him. I like giving a lot, and find receiving, well, fun but it doesn't have the same feeling to it.

We went to Tricias for christmas dinner. It was funny because the kids were the only one who ended up with a table. Mum, Trish and her boyfriend all sat on the couches with TV trays. Isiah and Cedric were as cute as ever. Actually they come home with us and will be spending the rest of the holiday here. It should be fun. Perhaps a touch draining, but that's the fun of it.

Dec 24 03 - Giving - So I spent tonite walking to friends places and delivering gifts. It was fun. I stopped off at Karens for a long while and sat with them as they finished their christmas dinner. What was really great was how incredibly enamoured with the christmas spirit her dad was. He took so much initiative in making their christmas as perfect as possible. From the plate the glazed ham was served on to the immaculately appointed tree, it was a kind of christmas haven in their home. Since her dad is scandanavian, they opened their christmas gifts that night. I sat with them as Karen played santa claus and distributed the gifts. Sitting in the oversized armchair, I sipped a glass of red wine and enjoyed the looks on their faces as they opened everything. Karen gave me a lovely little tea pot with some fantastic smelling fruit tea in it. It's nice that she noticed how much tea I consume. I can't wait to try the tea. Ryan and Karen both said the chocolate I gave was the best they'd ever had. Obviously they haven't had Godivas.

After Karens, I went off to Elgins and sat and chatted with her a while. Even more christmas joy was to be found there. Her brothers were still young enough to believe in Santa. They did the cutest things. Like leave cookies and milk for santa, a bowl of celery and carrots for the reindeer and a little map to the upstairs because the christmas tree wasn't in the living room where it normally is. It got me thinking about how Christmas isn't the same experience as you grow up. The thrill of Santas arrival in the night dissapears. I get to sleep at a decent hour, because I'm not as excited as I once was. I'm not up at 5:00 AM opening presents. I think I like this muted version of the holiday a bit more. I don't think I could handle children overflowing with exuberance at six AM.

Dec 23 03 - shoparific - oh the miracles of life.... well, no miracles actually. just a grandparent who dropped in and gave me some christmas money just in time for my mums trip to duncan, that I tagged along on to do some christmas shopping. Which, despite what I said yesterday, is a good thing. I didn't make nearly enough chocolate. So I got to cover bases I wouldn't have otherwise been able to. Jamie, Aaron and mum were all presenting a challenge, because, well, they were there when I was making the chocolate, so I couldn't very well surprise them with it.

As proof that I'm still the same person seth seems to have forgotten, I reacted the same as ever when I stepped in to a Wal-Mart. I got nervous and uncomfortable. I don't like being in such a sterile, characterless environment. It's unnatural. I'll take the small shops in Kits to buy my soap in and the boutiques of downtown Vancovuer to get my clothing, that isn't 'cookie cutter'. I felt guilty even being there. The hoardes of people milling about trying to find just the right gift (like that best selling DVD or that chinese sweat shop sweater) didn't help either. Maybe I'm agorophobic. I never much liked the crowds in beijing. and I hyperventilated on the buses there too. ekk.

Dec 22 03 - non-shoparific - I spent my afternoon making gifts for people. There's a certain satisfaction to it. I'm just making some chocolates for my friends, but it's somehow more fun than shopping for them. It's sort of funny what a lack of funds can do for us. Maybe I'll start doing this sort of thing more often. I remember one year I made blank notebooks for people. Everyone I talk to still has theirs and loves it. I guess it's not often people get something so personal. I think the only issue I have is finding a way to package them and wrap them. Especialy since I have to send one all the way to Monique in Newfoundland.

Once again, ridiculously late in the game, we got our christmas tree late. It was fun to set it up again. I missed out last year when I was in Beijing. Jamie and I were co-decoraters. Mum picked up some vintage glass balls for it, so that was fun. They were gorgeous and glittering. It made me feel so homey after being away. To be listening to carols and making christmas happen in my house....

Dec 21 03 - The stars in the sky - I had an interesting conversation with jayare today about astrology. I'm not sure if I believe in it or not. A part of me says yes, and another part says no. I think it has to do with some of then stuff I've read about my particular sign and how eerily close it has come to fitting with who I am. However, I haven't really decided if I believe in fatalism, and that's inherently what astrology is. I repeat, almost dogmaticly, that everything is working towards the best possible end. However, I also believe that we as people have the power to change who we are and contol where we are going in life. I guess my life can't have played out in any other possible way. The history of the universe couldn't have played out in any other way. A million and one tiny things have brought me to where I am today. I could've chose to stay in Vancouver and found a crap job and lived in that apartment. Instead I chose to give it up, move in to my tiny bedroom that I haven't lived in since I was 13 and go back to school. I'm not sure what the outcome of all this will be, but, hmmm.... I guess it's all working towards the best possible end.....

Dec 20 03 - How am I defined? - Labels are kind of a funny thing. Seth was over today. He's taken to calling me a trendwhore. and a consumer whore. Which, I'm not sure I entirely agree with. He seems to have made a two dimensional portrait of me in his head. He has these memories of me in a different time in my life. A time when I was the most socially active person on my block. When I boycotted anything and everyone for their lack of corporate ethics and vocalized about this to anyone who would listen. In my eyes I don't think I'm too far off from that anymore. It's just that I'm not as vocal about it. The fact that I, for a time, could afford things that made my life better, and still didn't exploit the quality of life of others, seems to have changed his perspective on me. His judgement of me seems paradoxical though. He maintains that he puts no stock in to the appearance of his clothing. However I can't help but notice that there is a consistent "look" to the clothing he chooses. The plaid shirts. The straight legged jeans with a hole in the knee. Maybe I should point out to him that having an aesthetic isn't a bad thing.

Dec 19 03 - Capturing time in a net of words - Well Dana come over today and that was interesting. It was the first time I'd seen her since she got back from Japan. It was a totally bizarre experience though. It's not that I wasn't happy to see her. I couldn't have been happier. It was just that it was such a bizarre throwback to nine years ago when we first met. It was as though all the adventures we went on, her to Scotland, England and Ireland, myself to Beijing twice, and countless other canadian destiantions, lead back to the same place. Home. She was back in the same room she slept in when she was 14 and we first met. Even I was back into the room I had when we first met. The other thing that was interesting was that out feelings about being back were on the same page. There was this underlying feeling with us that sort of felt defeated. That despite our best efforts, we were drawn back here. The conclusion we sort of reached is that everyone has to have a hometown. That we both did put our best in to what we've done, but there were circumstances beyond our control. We also now have time to centre ourselves and calm down after everything that went on. I don't think that had I stayed in Vancouver I would have been able to ground myself. I would have been too close to the situation that caused me so much stress. In the end I'm glad to be back in a way. I'm finding opportunities here that I wouldn't have been able to take otherwise.